How to break a habit
by LemonandLimeButters
Summary: Hidan wants change. Kakuzu doesn't. KakuHida. Warnings: yaoi pairings, explicit language, sexual themes, Kisame is very OOC, Tobi and Sasori are in the Akatsuki at the same time.
1. Hidan wants change

**Chapter One**

Sasori stared at the sight before him in amusement, his feminine half-lidded eyes twinkling with silent, mocking laughter. He had seen many strange things during his life but, he had to admit, this was particularly fascinating to watch. As Sasori stood in the doorway of the recreation room, he had to put his hand to his mouth to suppress a snort. Only it didn't work. He watched as Hidan shifted around uncomfortably in his sleep, slowing gaining consciousness thanks to Sasori's unintentional outburst - his outburst at the sight of Hidan, asleep on the couch. Alone. On a _Sunday morning_, at that.

Now, while some may find these conditions not to be very unusual, to find Hidan like this was as rare, and as frightening, as the Armageddon. Why was it rare? Simply because Hidan was always a very busy man on late Saturday nights and not because of religious rituals or Akatsuki missions. No, the reason behind his unavailability was less of a chore and more of an _indulgence_. (Wink wink, nudge nudge.) Why was it frightening? Because it indicated to Sasori that Hidan either denied or was denied sex from Kakuzu, and both of those were bad news. _Very_ bad news.

Despite the situation, Sasori calmly strode across the otherwise empty room and pushed half-naked Hidan off the cosy loveseat and onto the cold and floor in an effortless swipe to make room for himself. He switched on the television and changed the channel to the morning news as he did every weekend, but didn't really pay attention – he knew Hidan would soon wake up.

"Mmm... Nghh... Ow my back..." mumbled Hidan, as he woke up from an uncomfortable slumber. He rubbed his eyes and squinted at the morning light shining in from the numerous windows in the room.

"Hey, what the fu-" started Hidan, realising he was on the floor.

"Good morning Hidan," said Sasori emotionlessly, not even bothering to move his eyes from the TV screen.

Hidan drowsily looked up at the red-headed figure on the couch, and, pointing accusingly at him, he exploded in rage. "SASORI, YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! YOU PUSHED ME OFF THE COUCH, DIDN'T YOU? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHY I'M EVEN SLEEPING ON THIS SHITTY COUCH? I HATE YOU, DAMNIT! ARGHHH! NOT TO MENTION I HATE YOUR SQUEALY LITTLE BLONDE FUCK-BUDDY, AND ALSO YOUR CREEPY-ASS PUPPETS! IN FACT, I HATE EVERYONE! I HATE KISAME AND HIS CREEPY SMILE, I HATE ITACHI AND HIS- HIS EMO-NESS, I HATE THE LEADER AND HIS BITCH, AND THAT FREAK ZETSU, AND I REALLY FUCKING HATE TOBI! BUT MOST OF ALL I HATE KAKUZU, THAT FUCKING SELFISH MOTHER FUCKING SON A FUCKING BITCH!"

Sasori merely blinked; he had long gotten used to Hidan's frequent bursts of anger and cursing. "My, my, someone's particularly moody this morning... I wonder why?"

"I-, I-" Hidan stuttered. Maybe he was kind of moodier than usual... _What happened last night...?_ Suddenly, Hidan stopped in his thoughts, remembering exactly why. And got even more furious. "NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!"

Sasori smirked, already aware that something had happened with Kakuzu, probably late last night (or early morning) seeing as Hidan had apparently resorted to sleeping alone on the couch. "Hmmm... I wonder if something happened between you and Kakuzu last night."

Hidan mumbled a curse at the floor irritably. How Sasori was such a fucking know-it-all he didn't know, but it sure as hell pissed him off.

"So, did you two have _yet_ _another_ fight?" It was no question of concern; Sasori just liked getting under people's skin.

Hidan looked up with one eyebrow raised dubiously. "Huh? A fight? Of course not, we just fucked."

Sasori closed his eyes and pinched his nose, feeling very repulsed. He would never understand these people... He opened his mouth to retort Hidan's vulgar comment, but found that he was rudely interrupted.

"Which reminds me – it's Deidara who takes it up the ass, right? Between the two of you."

This time it was the puppet who gaped. (Well, more like widened his eyes slightly). "...How do you mean?"

"Oh, _come on_, did you think I didn't know? Everyone fucking knows! The walls aren't made of steel, you realise?" He snickered, and began to imitate the famous blonde uke with a high-pitched voice which, in reality, he didn't have. "Oh, Danna~! Right there! Please Danna, hit it again!"

Sasori began blushing furiously, both at the intense memories and at the mortifying realisation that the walls were in fact thinner than he had expected, and waved his arms about in protest. "Thi-Thi-This is ridiculous! My sex life is between myself and my partner only. Do not ask any further questions-"

"So how do you do it? How do you dominate?"

"Dominate?" repeated Sasori. "_Dominate_?" He completely forgot his embarrassment, and was now feeling appalled at Hidan's attitude towards what he considered to be the ultimate act of intimacy with one's partner. "Making love is not about _domination_. It's about showing affection for one another, having two bodies moving as one, experiencing pleasure and making your partner feel- I mean, uh..." Sasori blushed again, realising he had probably just sounded, well completely gay.

Apparantly Hidan agreed. "Wow, for someone in your position, you're really fucking sad. If I could dominate I would flaunt it to the fucking world." He sighed theatrically. "Which is exactly my problem..."

"Y-your problem, you say? And what's that?" Sasori desperately jumped at the opportunity to change the subject. Luckily, he was helped out by a certain blue-skinned gentleman.

"You don't know the story, Sasori-san?" grinned Kisame knowingly, ringing in to the conversation. He strolled casually into the room and plonked himself down onto the couch next to the puppet.

Sasori shook his head slowly with caution, not sure if he wanted to know.

"It goes like this: after every time Hidan-san and Kakuzu-san have sex, Hidan-san gets really pissed off. And when I say really pissed off, I mean REALLY pissed off. And when I say REALLY pissed off-"

"Oi." Warned Hidan with glaring eyes, and motioned to continue the story.

"Oh, sorry, I forgot you were there..." Kisame apologised, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "Where was I? Oh yes, and seeing as they do it once a day, you can see why Hidan is constantly moody-"

"Once a day? _Once a day?_ Jeez Kisame, you're making me look fucking pathetic!" Hidan's expression quickly changed from annoyed to purely smug. "At least twice a day Kisame, _at least_. And that's if we both have missions the whole day. When we don't have missions, you ask? Well let's just say we only leave the bed to eat."

Kisame was speechless_. Wow, what a libido..._ Thought Kisame. _If only Itachi-san could have a fraction of that..._

Sasori just rolled his eyes at Hidan's cockiness. But he had to admit, he was a tiny bit jealous.

"So? What seems to be the problem?" Sasori snapped, a bit annoyed. "What makes you so pissed off from having so much sex?"

"My problem? I'll tell you my fucking problem!" Hidan quickly regained his anger as he remembered the original subject. "I never get to top the Jashin-damned bastard! He never fucking lets me – whenever I try to he just uses his Jashin-damned tentacles, 'cause he's too much of a fucking control freak! Probably thinks it'd make him less manly or some shit! WELL WHAT ABOUT ME, DAMNIT! I'VE NEVER TOPPED HIM IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE!"

Sasori was dumbfounded. "...So that's what this whole issue is about? You just want to, uh..." he paused awkwardly and drop his voice down to a whisper, "...take him up the ass?"

"FUCK NO, WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT? I LIKE KAKUZU FUCKING ME, OK? IT FEELS GOOD!" Hidan roared. "I WANT TO FUCKING RIDE HIM! I WANT TO _BE_ ON TOP AND HAVE HIS COCK IN ME AT THE SAME TIME! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK FOR? HUH?"

Sasori and Kisame face palmed simultaneously. _Too much information..._

Then they both turned their heads as the man himself slammed open the door and stormed into the room. Kakuzu marched up to Hidan, grabbed him by his pale hair and hauled him painfully up off the floor, pulling Hidan's body towards him so that the two equally cranky faces were less than inches apart.

"You just woke me up, idiot." Kakuzu growled dangerously, his deep voice slightly muffled by the face mask he constantly had on. "And I do not like being woken up, unless it is for a morning fuck."

"I don't give a shit! At least you slept in the bed, you greedy bastard! I had to sleep on the fucking couch!" Hidan retaliated, struggling in Kakuzu's firm grip. He found he had to stand on his toes due to their significant height difference, and that pissed him off even more.

"You left the bed of your own accord."

"No, it was your Jashin-damned fault! You never let me top! If you'd just let me top I wouldn't leave the bed – I wouldn't want to fucking leave!"

Kakuzu glared at Hidan.

Hidan glared right back.

Suddenly, Hidan found himself being lifted from the ground as Kakuzu hauled him over his shoulder. "Hey! Fuck you! PUT ME DOWN!"

"We will sort this out in bed." Kakuzu said, walking out of the room, taking a kicking and screaming Hidan with him.

"No, we won't and you know it! We never sort it out! You're gonna force me to give you either a handjob or a blowjob, I just know it. Jashin will hear of this- FUCKING PUT ME _DOWN_!"

Sasori and Kisame remained on the couch in awkward silence, listening to Hidan cursing all the way down the hall. They heard the door slam, and soon enough, they heard Hidan beginning to curse for _slightly_ _different_ reasons.

* * *

You like?


	2. Kakuzu doesn't

**Chapter Two**

Hidan glared at the cock in front of his face. It merely twitched in response.

"Suck it," ordered a voice from above.

"Fuck no!" yelled Hidan, but he didn't take his eyes off it either. He _wanted_ to suck it (not that he would ever admit that to Kakuzu) – the way that proud cock stood tall and monstrous in all its bulging glory just made Hidan want to hold it with two hands and slowly devour it, to bring it down and make it fucking weep for mercy. But he wasn't going to be easy today – he didn't want to give the bastard the satisfaction.

"Suck it yourse- mmph!"

Hidan widened his eyes in surprise for a split second, and then proceeded to glare, this time up at Kakuzu's face. _Damnit, didn't I just fucking decide I wasn't going to be easy?_ "I fate foo," he muffled, the hard cock now occupying his mouth.

Kakuzu chuckled, while stroking the back of his partner's head with one hand in a way which could only be described as perverted. With his other hand, he pulled down his face mask, revealing a smirk of amusement. His green and red eyes, on the other hand, read pure lust. Then suddenly, he grasped a fistful of the silver hair and started forcefully pounding the head up and down onto his crotch.

_Jashin-damnit_, thought Hidan, who was kneeling in front of the bed, in between Kakuzu's legs. His head was being rammed onto Kakuzu's now hard penis at a slow 'Sunday morning' pace, purely controlled by Kakuzu. Hidan's eyes moved up to look at the older man, who had his eyes closed with his head lazily rolled back. He was grunting out short laboured breaths, even drooling slightly from the sides of his stitched mouth. Hidan leered (well, in his mind he did; it wasn't exactly easy for him to make any sort of facial expression with something of that size in his mouth) and decided to use Kakuzu's moment of weakness to his advantage. Putting his skilful and well-practised tongue to use, he sucked like a whore, earning uncharacteristically shaky moans from the man before him.

"-_Ohhh_..."

_Fuck yeah!_ Hidan mentally high-fived himself for being a fine cocksucker, with Kakuzu's increasingly reckless reactions signalling to Hidan that he was beginning to dominate the show... Or so he thought.

Feeling his desire for Hidan intensify as he progressed towards climax, Kakuzu grabbed the head of silver hair between his legs with both hands, and started thrusting his hips forcefully against it. His pace quickened and became more desperate with each thrust, and soon enough he was pretty much abusing Hidan's face with his crotch.

_What the fuck!_ Thought Hidan, as his control of the whole situation slipped away by the second. He tried pulling away but the grip of Kakuzu's hands on his head was too strong and he was repeatedly rammed in between the stitched legs in a completely careless manner.

"Ftop, Vashin famnit! Fan't fou ve fucking confiverate, fou fickhead!"

Hidan's protests were lost in translation, however. Kakuzu shuddered violently at the feeling of the words vibrating against his sensitive cock, as well as at the thought of Hidan trying to escape from his merciless actions - he was a sadist, after all.

About to reach his peak, Kakuzu continued the thrusting movements of both his hips and Hidan's head, now so intense they caused the bed springs to creak. Still, Kakuzu couldn't get enough. He carried on in near frenzy, pushing harder and harder, faster and faster, trying to achieve a kind of absolute intimacy between his cock and Hidan's hot, _hot_ mouth.

Eventually, the movements were so forceful that his tip was suddenly shoving into the back of Hidan's throat. Hidan gagged, eyes wide, his throat clenching orgasmically against the tip in reflex. Feeling that sudden tight sensation proved to be the last straw for Kakuzu; letting out a deep and long moan, he came, shooting out a long burst of hot seed.

Exhausted, he fell back onto the bed, sweating and panting. When he finally let go of Hidan, the Jashinist collapsed on to the floor, also exhausted. He had managed to wrench his head away at the point of Kakuzu's climax so as not to get cum down his throat, but now had his chest covered in it. Almost a minute passed of the two lying there, neither moving nor speaking, both just trying to recover. Eventually, Hidan stood up. When Kakuzu realised he was not walking towards the bed but towards their bathroom, he asked,

"Where are you going?"

"Where the fuck do you _think_ I'm going? I'm going to wash this stinking shit of me!"

Kakuzu scoffed, knowing this was not true; he knew Hidan found the taste of his cum delicious, even if he would never admit it.

"Cut the crap, we both know you're going in there to lick it off yourself. So just do it in front of me. Show me how much you like the taste of me; how much you _want_ me. Go on, _do it_." _Like the naughty bitch you are._

Kakuzu eyed his partner hungrily, growing hard again at his own idea. Hidan paused, his hand resting on the handle of the bathroom door. _That doesn't sound like such a bad idea...I could even put on a sexy show, and I'd have complete control over Ka- Wait. What the hell am I thinking? If I did that, I'd be obeying his perverted order! No! I'm not his fucking slave!_

"In your dreams, you son of a bitch!" He stomped angrily into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. Though immediately, leaning against the door, he began lapping up the "shit" off his chest.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes before closing them, relaxing into the bed with his hands behind his head. As he relaxed he allowed himself to be turned on by the faint sounds of Hidan licking cum off his body. He chuckled, and patiently awaited his lov- ...his _fuck-buddy_'s return.

* * *

"What's with all the fucking flowers?" asked Hidan loudly from the couch. He had been watching TV all morning, unable to move due to the soreness in his ass from last night's numerous "activities". Sasori and Kisame had just walked in, holding large bouquets of flowers; the two Akatsuki had just returned from flower shopping, apparently.

"SHHHHHH!" said Kisame, putting a finger to his lips. "Not so loud!" he whispered, looking around as if his darling Itachi would suddenly return from his current mission and overhear the conversation.

"Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, in case you were unaware," sneered Sasori, knowing that Hidan was, in fact, _completely_ unaware.

"Valentine's day?"

Kisame flung his head back, clutching his big bouquet of roses to his heart in a dramatic manner. "Yes, Valentine's day! The best day of the year! A day of roses, and chocolates, and loving embraces! The one occasion when you are free to express your complete devotion to your partner, and-"

"I know what it is, you dumbass!" Cut off Hidan, feeling exasperated by all the recent lectures by the two closet romantics before him. Well, one more closet than the other anyway.

"But you didn't know it was tomorrow, right?" Sasori snickered spitefully.

"Well, do I look like I celebrate it? I'm not a fucking pansy like you two," glared Hidan. "Anyway, I have more important issues to deal with right now. Like getting Kakuzu to let me top."

Sasori and Kisame looked at each other, an idea sprouting in their minds.

"You know, about that..."

"How about being nice to him tomorrow..."

"Do what he says; give him everything he wants..."

"...so that he'll give in?"

"BE NICE? TO THAT FUCKWIT? HE DOESN'T FUCKING DESERVE NICE!"

"Think about it," Sasori said slowly, as if speaking to a child – something he often found himself wondering if he was since joining the Akatsuki. "You can use Valentine's day to your advantage. If you give him everything he wants, he'll think you're being genuine. Then he'll be satisfied and he'll let you... you know, do what you want to do."

Hidan opened his mouth, about to retaliate by saying that Kakuzu was not that kind of person – he only did shit if there was something in it for him. If Hidan offered to give Kakuzu everything he wanted, the list of possible abuse he could be forced to endure was limitless...

However, a thought crossed his mind: he _could_ use this to his advantage! Instead of being nice – which would never work – he would be fucking ruthless! He would deny Kakuzu sex – make him suffer, make him beg! Yes, this was the perfect plan... but he needed to be subtle; he needed to make himself look indifferent, so that Kakuzu would go crazy...

Sasori and Kisame watched in awe as Hidan walked away, mumbling incoherently to himself with a conniving look on his face. When they heard Hidan's heinous laugh, from down the hallway, they shared the same thought. _Yeah, Hidan is definitely beyond this world..._

"Sasori danna! We're back... un." All thoughts about Hidan and his problem vanished immediately at the realisation that Deidara and Itachi had returned from their mission. They looked down in horror at the sight of the flowers that they had just bought still in their laps. "Oh, _crap_..!" They dashed immediately out of the room before their lovers could see their Valentine's Day gifts.

"Danna?" asked Deidara as he walked into the leisure room, confused to find that no one was there. "That's strange; I could have sworn I sensed his chakra in here... un."

"Hn," agreed Itachi, equally puzzled.


	3. Taxes and temptations

**Chapter Three**

That afternoon, Kakuzu was fidgeting in his chair; he was distracted. Very distracted.

It was all Hidan's fault. Kakuzu had been trying to calculate the tax that the Akatsuki owed for the month, but the numbers were simply swimming through his mind, making no sense at all. It was usually a very simple task for him, but at that moment it was proving impossible to complete. All he could think of now was Hidan, who was sitting across from him, on the couch watching some childish cartoon with Deidara. Hidan, who he had not had a single chance to fuck today.

_No. Stop thinking dirty thoughts. Concentrate. _Kakuzu forced his head down, trying to focus on the paperwork.

Hidan, on the other hand, was loving the attention. He could tell Kakuzu was distracted by him – he kept scribbling out his own errors in the tax papers while cursing Hidan's name – and of course, Hidan planned to make the most of it.

"Hey, is it just me or is it _really fucking_ _hot_ in here?" drawled Hidan while staring intently at Kakuzu. Kakuzu looked up from his papers stared back, smirking at Hidan's sudden suggestive question. He usually hated being interrupted from money-related matters, but by Hidan? No; fucking Hidan was his number one priority. After all, a horny Hidan always meant a horny Kakuzu.

"Not really, the AC is on," said Deidara without looking away from the screen, so mesmerised by the TV show that he completely failed to notice the eye sex going on across the room. Not that the other two cared.

Letting out a feigned yawn, Hidan slowly stretched out his arms above his head, sticking out his semi-exposed chest. Never breaking the eye contact with his partner, he allowed his tongue to curl into the yawn and rolled his head around, as if putting his smooth neck on display. And then, like a stripper he slowly undid his half-zipped cloak and pulled it off teasingly, leaving on just his black pants and Jashin necklace.

Kakuzu visibly shuddered at the sight. He didn't know what did it – maybe it was the way Hidan always looked as though his very existence revolved solely around Kakuzu's pleasure, or maybe it was the fact that Kakuzu knew Hidan was doing this to taunt him because Hidan knew that Kakuzu was distracted by him, or maybe it was just simply because _it was Hidan_, and the fact was that Kakuzu _always_ found himself turned on by Hidan.

Whatever the reason, there was no denying it now – Kakuzu wanted Hidan. He shuffled his papers and placed them neatly on the floor before rising from his seat and moving across the room to the couch. He then stood in front of Hidan, obstructing his view of the screen.

Hidan looked up, feigning obliviousness to the reason behind Kakuzu's sudden relocation. "Oh, hey Kakuzu. You know you're standing in the way..?"

Kakuzu leaned over, gripping the other's chin in his hand. "You know you're making me _really horny_..?" he murmured into Hidan's ear.

Hidan smirked, knowing he had caught Kakuzu in his trap. "Oh trust me," he replied as seductively as he could, as he eyed Kakuzu's obvious erection which was straining against his Akatsuki cloak."..._I know_."

Deidara's jaw dropped open, _finally_ realising what was going on. As Kakuzu moved closer to Hidan so that he was almost sitting on him, in a proximity that was waaay too close for Deidara's comfort, the blonde cursed himself for not realising sooner – now there was little chance of escape. He squirmed while staring at his hands, unsure of whether or not to move: if he did, it could get awkward; and if he didn't, he could be scarred for life. He glanced back towards the horny couple... and gaped in horror as he witnessed Kakuzu licking the inside of Hidan's left ear, and Hidan stroking and palming Kakuzu's... Kakuzu's...! Deidara blushed deeply, unable to complete the embarrassing sentence, even in his mind. He watched on in absolute repulsion as Hidan leant down and _pressed his lips against the bulge_ – as one would a lady's hand – and felt himself retch when Hidan slipped his hand _inside the pants_. He tried to block his ears as Kakuzu began growling obscene descriptions in between licking, but could not block it all out.

"...tie you up with my tentacles...gonna fuck you hard and raw...you'll be screaming my name..."

By now Deidara almost felt the urge to cry – the situation was just so _sick_. Naturally, he blamed it on Sasori for not being there to protect him from the porno-like display. _Danna, if you don't get me out of here soon, I swear I will blow you up without hesitation..._

As if reading Deidara's mind, Sasori chose that moment to walk into the room... and almost threw up in disgust. The scene was truly horrendous – there was Kakuzu, hovering over Hidan with an arm around his head, licking inside his ear, while rocking his hips as Hidan very visibly groped him, not to mention the tentacles which were spurting out of the older man and crawling up Hidan's thighs, into his Akatsuki cloak! The worst part, however, was the fact that Sasori's beloved Dei-chan was sitting on the very same couch with his hands pressed against his ears, looking as if he was about to burst into tears. Well, Sasori couldn't blame him.

"Deidara! Brat!"

Deidara looked up at Sasori standing in the doorway with a mixture of shock, irritation and relief on his face. "..._Danna_!"

"Quick, get away from there!"

Deidara didn't need telling twice. He jumped up from the couch and was in his lover's protective arms in seconds. He tried looking angry at the puppet – eyes glaring and bottom lip protruding into a pout – but soon found himself burrowing his face into the other's chest instead, inhaling that soothing scent of newly chiselled wood – something he always found comforting even in adverse situations like this.

"You took so long to come back. It was so horrible," he muffled, mouth against his partner's skin.

Sasori gazed down at Deidara, his eyes reading regret, and stroked the blonde hair soothingly. "I know, and I'm truly sorry. I should have been there to protect you but I failed... You were forced to see a most painful and sickening sight, and that never should have happened, but I promise you I'll never let it happen again. Will you forgive me?"

Still pouting, Deidara looked up and nodded, and then received a warm kiss to the lips. He closed his eyes peacefully and kissed back. All thoughts of distress disappeared as he relaxed into both the kiss and the arms of his lover. "Mmmmm..."

"Oh get a fucking room!" yelled an all too familiar voice.

Deidara and Sasori both looked up from their embrace. Hidan was jeering at them, as if he were not about to have dry sex on the couch. Kakuzu, on the other hand, was still going at it like an animal, his head burrowed in the crook of the other's neck, biting and sucking to mark his possession.

Sasori had nothing to say; the situation was just too ridiculous to comprehend. He grabbed Deidara's hand and led him quickly away from the room, both in a "What The Fuck..?" kind of silence.

Noticing that they were finally alone from the click of the door closing, Kakuzu rolled off Hidan and made himself comfortable on the couch. He then proceeded to pull Hidan on top of him; he occasionally let Hidan be on top during foreplay, but NEVER during actual sex.

"Now..." Kakuzu looked at Hidan suggestively and was met with an equally lustful gaze. "Where were we?" His hands trailed slowly down Hidan's sides until they reached his ass. He gave it a very slow and sensuous squeeze, before running a finger up and down inside the warm crack, and felt himself harden at the erotic sensation.

Hidan felt Kakuzu's erection too, and had to suppress a somewhat evil grin. This was all going according to plan – the plan to make Kakuzu give in. Stage one of the plan was easy enough - to make him horny (CHECK!). Stage two was to make him think that he's about to have sex. That was equally easy – Kakuzu always expected sex when he was horny. And who could blame him? He always got it. Stage three was a bit difficult – the actual denial of sex. Difficult in terms of self control – hey, Jashinists got horny too! – but mainly because Kakuzu wasn't exactly shy in terms of using bondage... tentacles anyone?

Luckily, Hidan had thought long and hard about this dilemma, and had managed to think up a way to combat it. He wrapped one arm around Kakuzu's neck, while fingering small circles on his chest with the other. "Kuzu-chan...?"

"What?"

"Let me top you this time?"

Kakuzu let out a deep chuckle. "No."

He then found himself completely off guard as Hidan suddenly grabbed a handful of his cloak and yanked him closer until their noses just touched, and then kissed him hotly through the mask. To be honest, he was a little confused. He hadn't expected this kind of reaction at all – Hidan always turned cold and irritated when he was told he couldn't top, not _passionate_ – but then again, who was he to complain with a such a damn sexy motherfucker making out with him?

Taking a moment to breathe, Hidan pulled back about two millimetres, panting moist breaths into the black material while staring provocatively into the other's eyes. Kakuzu's red and green eyes widened as his mask was pulled down completely, and Hidan's tongue darted out from his mouth and dragged very deliberately across Kakuzu's closed lips.

"Maybe you're not the only one who's horny..."

Kakuzu groaned as he felt his cock twitch and pulse at the sound of Hidan's words. He leaned his head back to allow Hidan further access. Hidan quickly complied, moving further south to suck all over Kakuzu's neck, occupying all of his partner's thoughts, which were successfully completely devoid of the subject of tentacles. To divert him even further, Hidan grinded his crotch against the man beneath him, painfully slow, making sure every inch of their erections made full contact.

Kakuzu shuddered, and closed his eyes while breathing labouredly. He decided he would stay in that position for a few moments, so as to compose himself before regaining control for the actual fucking – when suddenly he felt the body on top of him move off, cold air rushing in to replace the hot air that the two had created between them. He sat up quickly, opening his eyes again. He frowned irritably. He hadn't even had a chance to confine his uke with his bondage, for crying out loud!

"What are you doing? Don't you want me to fuck you?" he demanded of Hidan, who had gotten up and was now straightening out his cloak.

"Huh? Oh, that? We don't really have time; you have a mission in half an hour."

"What the hell are you talking about? Half an hour is plenty of time. We've done more than this in five minutes, goddamit," Kakuzu argued. He was beginning to get thoroughly frustrated; he wasn't used to being stopped midway through foreplay. It was like trying to hold in an unfinished piss – pure torture!

"Besides, you'd be too exhausted to work."

"Are you fucking serious? You can't just leave me hard. Get back here, _now_! I need release, don't you understand?" Kakuzu would have been ashamed of his desperate-sounding words - after all, this was pretty much the equivalent of begging for him – but he was way too fucking horny to care.

Hidan ignored him. "Well, have fun on your mission!" he grinned, knowing full well that Kakuzu would have serious concentration problems tonight with an erection like that. He gave a short wave and escaped the room before Kakuzu could stop him.

Kakuzu growled in anger and slammed his fist against the wall, causing it to crack a little. It was obvious that Hidan had done this on purpose, that _defiant little shit_. He should have trapped the Jashinist with his tentacles and raped him while he had the chance; he should have forced him to bend over and take Kakuzu's hard cock inside him from behind, causing him to cry out desperately in both pain and ecstasy-

Kakuzu mentally slapped himself. Sadistic fantasies were _not_ going help his monster-erection-from-hell-for-which-there-is-no-Hidan-to-fuck-with scenario. And no, bringing himself off was not an option – it never was; that kind of pitiful behaviour was not fitting for such proud a man as Kakuzu. The only thing he could do was just to ignore it and let it go away. Sighing heavily in defeat, he hauled himself from the couch and trudged his way uncomfortably towards the Leader's office to receive instructions about his mission.


	4. Tobi saves the day!

**Chapter Four**

"Goodbye Itachi-san, I'll miss you~!"

"Hn." _Don't leave me. _Itachi clutched the front of Kisame's cloak, not letting him go.

Kisame sighed, pulling Itachi's hands gently off his cloak and up to his lips, kissing them lightly. "I'll be back before tomorrow, I promise. And tomorrow we can spend all day together, just you and me."

He drew Itachi closer, cradling the smaller ninjas head against him. Itachi pressed his face into Kisame's warm chest and firmly wrapped his arms around him.

"Are we done yet?" grumbled Kakuzu, interrupting the heart-warming moment. He was still pissed off about not being able to fuck Hidan, and he still had that throbbing erection to remind him of it.

Itachi shot him daggers with his eyes, while Kisame simply ignored him, letting nothing divert his attention from his petite lover. The two went back to holding each other, muttering sweet nothings, and gazing into each other's eyes in adoration.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes impatiently. He let his mind wander while waiting for the annoying lovebirds to finish. This led him to the first thing on his mind which was, of course, Hidan... What the hell had just happened? Had Hidan really just denied them both sex? Kakuzu was truly bewildered; he had honestly believed that the world had to have been coming to an end for Hidan, self-proclaimed sex addict, to turn down a decent fuck – let alone from Kakuzu, and let alone halfway through foreplay. It truly was the unthinkable-

Kakuzu's reflection was came to an immediate halt when Kisame and Itachi began making out, making annoying gasps and sighs here and there, with Itachi clasping his arms around the shark's neck and Kisame running his hands through his weasel's hair.

"Kisame..!" gasped Itachi as Kisame attacked his neck. Immediately he turned red at the sound of his own desperate and high-pitched voice, no doubt fretting about damaging his inflated ego and Uchiha pride and what not. "I mean, I-"

"You can say my name anyway you want babe," growled Kisame. Immediately he turned white at the sound of his predatory and aggressive voice, no doubt cursing his bloodline for his animalistic tendencies, despite the rarity of their appearances. "No, what I meant was... uh..."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes at the boring and annoyingly naive exchange of words._ What monotony_, he thought_._

"We're wasting time, and time is money. Let's go," he said and proceeded to drag Kisame by the back of his cloak, away from Itachi and towards their mission.

"Wha..! No! Itachi-san I'm sorryyyyyyyy! I love youuuuuuuu!"

* * *

Kakuzu coughed awkwardly, preparing himself to ask a question that could be potentially humiliating for himself, not to mention damaging to his ego.

"... Kisame? I need your advice," he started.

"Yes? What is it, Kakuzu-san?" answered Kisame. The two were walking side by side along a dirt track surrounded by forest, on their way back to the Akatsuki base. The mission had gone smoothly and they were sure to pocket a few thousand ryo from the Leader as soon as they returned, but for once, Kakuzu had too much on his mind to even care about the money.

"Say you're in the middle of an intimate situation with your lo- _partner_, and it appeared that you were progressing towards, something more..." said Kakuzu, choosing his words carefully and avoiding specific details; it was shameful enough for him to be asking someone for relationship advice, let alone someone less than half his age. "How would you interpret it if he was to suddenly stop in the middle of things, without any sort of warning?"

"Huh..." said Kisame, feeling equally as awkward. To think Kakuzu would ever ask for advice on sex..! It wasn't uncommon in the Akatsuki base to witness Hidan strutting around with a massive smirk on his face, bragging something along the lines of: _"Kuzu-chan has the biggest cock in the Akatsuki" _or_ "last night we fucked seven times without a single break" _or_ "once he caught me masturbating and thought I wasn't getting enough, so he screwed me so fucking hard I passed out!" _Everyone believed the Zombie Duo to have the most experience, and they were right in believing so.

Kisame cleared his throat in a poor attempt to sever the tension in the air. "Excuse me for being quite forward, Kakuzu-san, but perhaps you were... forcing yourself onto Hidan-san? And he just wasn't 'in the mood', so to speak?"

Kakuzu groaned, face-palming inwardly. It seemed the fact that he and Hidan enjoyed a bit of S and M was relatively well known within the Akatsuki. Admittedly, they weren't exactly secretive about their sex life (well Hidan wasn't, at least)... it was probably a good time to start.

"No, I don't think that was the problem..." mumbled Kakuzu, keeping his eyes on the ground before him.

"Tobi knows the problem~!" said an all too familiar voice from behind them.

Kisame whirled around in shock as Tobi jumped down from a tree several feet away, in which he had apparently been hiding. "Tobi? What are you doing here?"

"Leader-sama sent me at the last minute. _Someone_ needs to keep an eye on you!" He exclaimed innocently, yet for a split second a malicious red glint in his eye could be seen for anyone who paid attention. Not that anyone ever did.

_Dear God, could my day get any worse..?_ thought Kakuzu, trying his best to ignore Tobi, who skipped up happily to his fellow Akatsuki and proceeded to voice his opinion on Kakuzu's dilemma.

"Tobi thinks you should be more lovey-dovey towards Hidan-sempai~! If you give him what he wants, he will be happy. When Zetsu-san cuddles Tobi, Tobi gets very happy and lets him have more sex! And then Zetsu-san gets more excited because Tobi is happy, and his two halves fight over me like crazy! And Tobi gets excited too, because it's like a threesome! And it's so much kinkier that way~!" Tobi yapped on excitedly, completely oblivious to the horrified stares that the other two were giving him.

"TOBI. _ENOUGH_." Kakuzu gritted through his teeth, unappreciative of the disturbing images he was starting to get.

"Waaah~! I'm sorry, Kakuzu-san!" wailed Tobi, but he shut up nonetheless. He often acted stupid, but he knew enough not to get on Kakuzu's bad side; he had heard the stories about Kakuzu's unfortunate partners before Hidan, and angering Kakuzu seemed like the ideal way to meet the same fate.

Although slightly sickened by the turn of the conversation, Kakuzu thought about Tobi's suggestion.

_Maybe the rape and the tentacles are a bit overkill at times, although I thought he liked it... Showing more affection couldn't hurt, I guess. I mean it _would_ be kind of unnatural, seeing as our whole relationship consists of just fighting and fucking. But change could be good. And, as that damned Tobi put it, if Hidan was happy, he might allow me to have more sex. Doesn't sound half bad... _

It was decided – he would take Tobi's advice.


	5. High octane fantasy fuel

**Chapter Five**

When Kakuzu returned to his room that night, all was dark and silent. Usually when Kakuzu came back from a late-night mission, Hidan would be up waiting for him, sometimes pleasuring himself to bide the time. But Kakuzu knew that this wouldn't happen tonight; Hidan was acting far too strangely lately to do something routine.

That's why he wasn't surprised to find Hidan already asleep. Closing the door gently behind him, Kakuzu took a moment just to watch him sleep, something he wouldn't usually get a chance to do. The Jashinist was curled up on the bed, knees tucked near his chest and eyes closed – a peaceful look on his face for once. His hair was slightly damp with sweat and his face was tinted pink, due to the heat of the night. Oh, and he was only wearing a pair of tight, all-bearing underwear.

Kakuzu had to put a clenched fist to his mouth, to restrain himself from making some sort of feral noise – the sight was just so... _intimate_; he was the only person who was able to witness a sight like this, and it was very satisfying to know that. Very satisfying indeed.

Kakuzu felt his pants slowly tighten in excitement. He wanted so badly to take him then and there, regardless of whether the Jashinist was awake or not, and he would have done so on any other day. But no, Kakuzu had made a decision to treat Hidan better, and he was not the sort of man to go back on his word (alright, maybe he _did_ go back on his word sometimes, but not this time). And so, swallowing down his animalistic instincts, Kakuzu walked carefully across the room and lay down on the bed beside Hidan, draping an arm around him, almost like a lover would.

Almost, because he and Hidan weren't lovers – of course they weren't. They were mere companions... who, admittedly, had sex on a more-than-regular basis. But today, Kakuzu told himself, he needed to act like a lover so that Hidan would get over whatever stage he was going through and Kakuzu would be able to fulfil his desires. Which, of course, were fuelled purely by his raging hormones – yes, his 90 year old raging hormones – and not by a certain somewhere deep inside his chest...

This was exactly the kind of thought process that Kakuzu went through every day. For some reason he felt the need to constantly reassure himself that his continuous lust for Hidan was just his hormones talking; that his intense cravings to kill Hidan, to break him, to tear him apart were caused by of his short temper and not some sort of sick possessiveness he held over the Jashinist; that the heart-wrenching feeling he got every time Hidan uttered his name was due to his old age, and not,_ definitely not_ because he was in love with him.

"I'm back," Kakuzu said softly. He noticed however that Hidan did not wake up, and realised bitterly that he would not be getting any tonight. He sighed, rolled over onto his back and closed his eyes, and tried to go to sleep.

"Ohhh Kuzu-chan..."

Kakuzu stiffened, in more ways than one. Was Hidan having a dirty dream about him..? He snapped his head back towards Hidan, and sure enough, the Jashinist was thrashing around in his sleep with possibly the most erotic face Kakuzu had ever seen.

"...Kakuzu! Just fucking take me... Fuck me as hard as you can, I dare you... _Ah_, right there! _Yes_... Again Kuzu-chan! Fucking do it again... Aaaah~!"

Kakuzu's breath hitched, and his hearts began pounding like crazy in excitement. This was too good to be true; it would be so easy to turn Hidan's dream into reality. All he had to do was-

_Stop. Control yourself. He is asleep; you are not going to rape him. Ignore it. Just turn around and go back to sleep._

Kakuzu rolled over, his back facing Hidan. He screwed his eyes shut, trying _not_ to think about how much he wanted to take Hidan right now, how much he wanted to squeeze that firm ass, how much he wanted to feel those tight walls clench against his cock, how much he wanted to fuck him into the ground without mercy-

Kakuzu's thoughts were abruptly interrupted by something warm rubbing against his leg.

_...Oh. Oh God no. Please tell me Hidan is not humping my leg right now. Now this is just plain torture. _

Kakuzu grimaced, breathing labouredly through gritted teeth as he tried his absolute best not to lose it. Unfortunately this was made more and more difficult by every slow but sure grind of Hidan's crotch against his thigh. Not surprisingly, Kakuzu was now sporting his own, _very_ stiff erection.

_Shit. I'm not going to be able to control myself much longer... _No_. I am in control. I am in control. I am in contr-_

Only a split second later, Kakuzu found himself on top of Hidan, one hand gripping Hidan's wrists against the pillow, the other tearing blindly at Hidan's boxers, trying desperately to get them down.

"God, Hidan, I need you so much, you turn me on_ so much_... you have no idea how much I want to be inside you right now - I was thinking about you during my entire mission... _Fuck,_ you look so _beautiful_..." muttered Kakuzu, more or less to himself.

He knew at the back of his mind that Hidan had woken up and was now struggling beneath him, cursing and yelling as soon as he worked out what was going on, but it didn't register in his possessive brain to stop. Instead, grey tentacles spurted out of his body and wrapped tightly around the protesting mouth and the struggling limbs.

Kakuzu then bit down on Hidan's neck, drawing blood, causing the Jashinist to thrash and scream into the bondage. Kakuzu almost whimpered at the sadistic imagery – nothing turned him on more than seeing Hidan respond so intensely to the pain that he inflicted on him. He continued making painful love bites down his partner's body, while at the same time grinding his erection against Hidan's stomach, grunting with every thrust at the pressure on his crotch. All previous thoughts of restraint had flown out the window, and now there was only one thing on his mind.

There was no need for preparation – Hidan had been on the receiving end several times a day, every day for the past few years. And besides, they both liked it rough and dry. There was no need for permission either – for Kakuzu, it was just a waste of time. He grasped Hidan's asscheeks with his hands and pushed them apart, lining himself up against the hole. Then he pushed in roughly, letting out an equally rough moan... but barely had enough time to feel any pleasure. For to his horror, the man beneath him immediately stopped writhing and seemed to melt into some kind of soft substance... a _clay-like_ substance.

It took only a moment for Kakuzu snap out of his sex-crazed frenzy and work out what had happened. And when he did, the horror on his face changed to complete and utter fury.

* * *

"HIDAAAAAAN!"

"That's my queue!" Hidan grinned as he sprang up from his seat on the floor of Sasori and Deidara's bedroom. "Thanks for letting me use the clay, Dei!"

"That's ok, Hidan..." sighed Deidara._ I don't even know what you used it for, but by the sound of things I'd rather not know, un._

"Just hurry up and get out." Sasori was peeved; Hidan had been sitting in their room with his ear to the wall that connected to his and Kakuzu's room for the last hour or so, and there was no way Sasori would do anything with Deidara while Hidan was there. That pervert would probably try to join in and make it a threesome..!

"Hey is it my fault you're too frigid to fuck in public? You seriously need to loosen up, puppet-boy!" Hidan cackled, but nonetheless walked out of the room, much to Sasori's relief.

* * *

Hidan cockily strolled over to his room and stopped in the doorway. Kakuzu was sitting on the end of their bed, shaking in rage. His head immediately snapped up in Hidan's direction, skin turned dark and eyes blazing. Yes, this was the sort of anger that had caused him to kill of his previous partners.

"There you are, you conniving _bitch_." Kakuzu was absolutely seething. "Well? Are you just going to stand there or are you going to get over here, get down on the floor where you belong, and accept your punishment for being disobedient to your master? Huh?"

"No."

"What the _fuck_ did you just say to me?" Kakuzu half whispered.

"I said no fucking way, you deaf old geezer! Not until I get what I want!"

"Hidan," gritted Kakuzu slowly, trying to keep himself from exploding in anger. "I am going to give you five seconds, and after that five seconds you'd better be down on all fours in front of me with your naked ass in my direction, or else I'm going to-"

"Doggy-style?" spat Hidan, now pissed off at Kakuzu's stubbornness. "You don't fucking get it, do you Kuzu-chan? I'm _not_ having sex with you unless you let me top."

"Listen Hidan," growled Kakuzu. "I'm asking you one last time-"

"NO! How many fucking times do I have to say it? I. SAID. NO!"

Kakuzu stood up and _roared_, like King Kong breaking out of his cage. His tentacles whipped out in Hidan's direction, moving towards the doorway at top speed. They were just about to reach their target, when-

SLAM!

-the closed door blocked their path, causing them to thump loudly against the wood.

"HIDAAAAAAN!" bellowed Kakuzu in intense rage.

Hidan had escaped _again_.

* * *

A/N:

Hello, Butters here.

We are now sitting at around the halfway mark now, and so I would just like to take this oppurtunity thank all the reviewers for this story. I very much appreciate your support.

Please continue reading and reviewing! Constructive criticism is also welcome.


	6. Confessions of a sadistic miser

**Chapter Six**

"Happy Valentine's day, my love. I made you some breakfast!"

Itachi sat up in his bed, rubbing his eyes as Kisame made his way across their room carrying a tray of coffee and pancakes. He sat down beside him and placed the tray on the bedside table.

"..._Thank _you" said Itachi, feeling slightly stunned at the kind gesture.

Kisame grinned, baring his shark teeth in a way that would terrify most people. Itachi, however, regarded Kisame's smile as one of the most beautiful things about him. Not that he would ever admit that, of course.

"So do I get a kiss?"

Itachi leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek, like a shy girl on her first date.

"Let's not kid ourselves, Itachi-san," smirked Kisame, knowing the Uchiha had done it purposefully to tease him. He hooked one strong arm around the Itachi's neck and the other on the back of his head, running his fingers through that raven hair.

He moved in, closing his eyes after Itachi did. He pressed his lips firmly against the other's and then opened both together, pushing in his tongue slowly as if they had all the time in the world. As Itachi's smaller tongue move against his towards his mouth and as Itachi put his arms around Kisame's neck to kiss deeper, the older heart did a little flip of joy; Itachi was so _cute_ when he responded!

After breaking apart to breathe, Itachi rested his head his head against the other's chest, listening to the heartbeat. Kisame put his arm around Itachi and put his nose against his partner's hair to inhale the sweet scent he knew so well...

"Yo Kisame!" Hidan burst into the room without knocking or asking for permission. "I need to use some of those 'Tame that Beast' of yours, where do y-"

His eyes widened as he noticed the tray of breakfast on the bedside table. "Breakfast in bed, huh? Now that's what I call special service. What, are you asking for more sex or something? I don't blame you but, I heard you only get laid once a week or some shit."

"No I am not asking for more sex!" said Kisame quickly – a bit _too_ quickly for Itachi's liking. "It's in the top drawer. What do you need my pills for anyway? It's not like _you_ need to restrain yourself." _Not like I do..._

"I do today," answered Hidan as he went through the drawer. "I've decided not to let Kakuzu fuck me until he stops being so stubborn. It's not in here, Kisame, all I see is condoms..." _When was the last time Kakuzu used a condom? I can't even remember... stingy bastard._

"Oh sorry, try the next drawer down."

"Aha, gotcha!" Said Hidan triumphantly. He ran out of the room clutching the Kisame's fairly expensive bottle of testosterone reduction pills without even a word of thanks.

"You bought _more_ condoms?"

"I'm sorry, Itachi-san!" said Kisame guiltily. "I don't want to pressure you. I just thought today was special, so you might want to... You might let me, well..."

"...I bought some too."

Kisame's eyes widened in joy and his heart fluttered with relief. He held Itachi in a tight embrace. "You really do care!"

Itachi rolled his eyes but let out a small smile. "Of course I do."

Kisame pecked Itachi, and then grinned cunningly against his neck.

"Well then, let's get to it baby. These condoms aren't going to use themselves..."

* * *

A short while later Hidan ventured into the kitchen to get something to eat, but stopped in his tracks to let out a low wolf whistle, but it went unheard. For there on the kitchen counter sat Deidara, making out heavily with Sasori. And Hidan had to admit, it was pretty damned hot.

"I love you Danna," gasped the blonde, breaking away from the kiss. Sasori took this opportunity to move into his neck, sucking on the delicious skin there.

"Love you too Dei," he muffled.

"Well well _well_. This is unlike you, Puppet-boy, getting it on so early in the morning. Finally decided to loosen up, eh?"

Deidara let out an embarrassed yelp upon realising that Hidan had been watching them. He pushed his 'Danna' away, and hurriedly tried to fix his shambolic appearance, while Sasori glared dangerously at Hidan.

"Get out."

Hidan grinned and raised his hands mockingly. "Hey, I'm just here to have breakfast – something _most_ people do in the kitchen. Seriously, what's with everyone today? You're all acting like horny little bastards. I mean, it's almost as if..."

"As if it's Valentine's Day?" Sasori rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that's because it is, _idiot_."

Hidan's blinked twice and opened his mouth to speak, but for once nothing came out. He appeared to be in shock. He turned around and left the room in complete silence.

"What's up with that guy?" asked Sasori, with one eyebrow raised.

Deidara shrugged, and frowned in worry.

* * *

When Kakuzu finally found Hidan, he was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the clearing in the forest nearby the Akatsuki base. It seemed he was reciting some Jashinist prayer - with the way his head was bowed, and he was clutching his necklace in one hand and drawing something (Jashin related, most likely) on the ground with his other. Ignoring the way his hearts hammered with unnecessary rigour at the sight of his _non_-lover, Kakuzu strode over to him.

"There you are. What are you doing over here?"

Hidan didn't look up. _So I take it you're still sulking, Hidan?_

"You didn't come to bed last night," Kakuzu said pointedly.

Again, Hidan didn't look up; he simply continued to draw symbols in the dirt with his finger.

"I felt like sleeping on the couch."

"Well, I didn't get to fuck you – are you not going to apologise?" Kakuzu smirked inwardly, knowing Hidan would get riled up at that remark.

"Yeah, sorry about that..." replied Hidan nonchalantly.

_-Wait, what?_ "What's wrong with you, Hidan?"

"...Nothing's wrong-"

"-Stop the _bullshit_, Hidan." snapped Kakuzu, angry at Hidan's show of indifference towards him. "I fucking know there's something wrong with you, and if I ask what's wrong, then I _fucking expect_ to be informed what's wrong."

Hidan raised his head to face Kakuzu's fierce glare. There was a prolonged pause, and then; "Kakuzu, don't you ever wish we were different? You know, more romantic or whatever, like Kisame and Itachi, or Sasori and Deidara. I guess you wouldn't, but I know _I_ do sometimes... Can't you give it a chance?"

"What are you talking about?" Said Kakuzu quickly, feeling suddenly fretful at the unexpected turn of the conversation.

Hidan paused again, before speaking. "Today's Valentine's Day. You didn't... you didn't get me shit." Or

"So? We don't do that kind of shit."

"Well did you ever think I might want to?"

"You do? Are you _serious_?"

"Don't use that fucking tone with me; of course I'm serious... I mean, sort of. Well –look I don't know, alright? I'm kind of confused right now. But, would it kill you to be a bit romantic once in a while?"

Kakuzu became very pissed off (again), for reasons unbeknown to him - he didn't actually care that Hidan had basically just called him unromantic, right?

"_God damnit,_ Hidan. You're actually telling me to be romantic? Did you not realise over the last two years we've spent together that I'm not that kind of a person? I mean, I knew you were dense, but honestly... Look, why don't you get someone else to fuck you? Or should I say '_make love_'? Because you're obviously not satisfied with me."

"Hey! Don't you fucking turn this against me! I'm the one with a problem, so you better stop being such a dick to me, got it?

"You want me to stop being a dick? Then don't start saying this sort of crap, because _I don't care _about it. Now as soon as you get that message through to your tiny brain, I'll be waiting in our bedroom-"

"_So that's it then_?" cried Hidan. "That's _all_ I am to you, is it? Your obedient little fuckbuddy? Hah! Well I bet you didn't expect that your fuckbuddy would ever leave you. That's fucking right – I've had _enough_! Enough of the lack of respect, enough selfishness from _you_, and definitely enough of begging you, every fucking day for the past two years, for you to let me top. Because not once could you give up your control over me – not _once_."

Kakuzu chuckled unkindly, totally disregarding Hidan's threats of leaving. "Hidan, try all you want but I'll never let you leave me."

Hidan scowled, furious at Kakuzu's dismissive attitude. "Yeah? Just fucking watch me!"

He got up and stormed towards the heart of the forest, away from the Akatsuki base, but found he was immediately stopped as those damned tentacles appeared from nowhere and wrapped tightly around him. For a moment Hidan struggled against his binds helplessly, and then gave up. He threw his head back and screamed in frustration and defeat.

Kakuzu walked over to stand behind him and gripped his shoulder. Black fingernails dug into Hidan's skin, causing him to gasp in pain. "Fuck off," Hidan said weakly, knowing there was no point. In a flash, Kakuzu pulled him in and bear-hugged him almost forcefully from behind. He retracted his tentacles and rested his chin in the crook of Hidan's neck.

"Come on, Hidan, don't be like this..." he breathed into Hidan's ear. Hidan remained perfectly still, refusing to respond in any way.

Kakuzu sighed and decided to confess. "Look Hidan, I don't think of you as my fuckbuddy. I have to admit though, I tried to think of you that way. I tried to make myself believe that that was all you were to me, but I was wrong."

Silence.

"Hida-"

"...Then tell me."

"What?"

"Tell me what you of me. Go on, what are you fucking waiting for?"

Kakuzu opened his mouth to speak, but found he didn't quite know what to say. He knew exactly what he felt about Hidan; he realised now that he had been denying to himself his true and deepest feelings for a long time. But how to put it in the right words without getting the wrong reaction from Hidan, he didn't know. He decided to play it safe.

"Uh, I-I love you..?"

"Bullshit!" spat Hidan, seeing straight through Kakuzu's improvisation. "Is that all you can come up with? _'I love you'_... fucking ridiculous."

"Hidan, I-"

"No! Just- just _shut up_! Stop pushing me around, ok, don't think that you can have your own way all the time. Newsflash for Kakuzu – I'm not your fucking slave, or your personal whore or your fuckbuddy – I'm not gonna tell you that I love you, just to make you feel good about yourself, do you fucking understand? Oh, and you wanna know why else I'm not going to say it? BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

Kakuzu sighed. That was definitely the wrong reaction. It was time now to tell the truth; to expose his most private thoughts and feelings. He supposed there was no harm in saying the truth now; it wasn't like things could get much worse.

"Alright, you really want to know what I think of you? Fine." He whirled Hidan around by the shoulders so that he could look him straight in the eye.

"I take back what I said; I don't love you."

The rage in Hidan's eyes intensified ten fold, but Kakuzu interrupted him before he could start yelling again.

"No, what I feel for you is more than love. Much, _much_ more. It's the deepest and most intense emotion I've ever felt in my life, yes, even a life as long as mine. I really can't describe it, but I _need_ you Hidan, so much that I don't think you understand, I don't think you'll _ever_ understand. I feel like I can't fucking breathe without you, whether it's when I'm on a mission with someone else, or when you leave our bed after sex, or _any_ other time you're not there with me.

When I'm fucking you, Hidan – when I'm _inside_ you– oh God, it feels so damn good – it's like the ultimate sense of pleasure. Do you know why, Hidan? It's because _you're_ my perfect match, my equal... And when I look at your face, that absolutely delicious orgasmic face of yours, I know that I'm the perfect match for you. You _belong_ to me; that's why I can fuck you whenever the hell I want and hurt you however the hell I please. You're my_ possession_.

You're right about me being selfish – I don't know anyone nearly as selfish as I am; I want to have you all to myself and _all of you_ to myself. Sometimes I imagine myself chaining you up naked, somewhere dark and cold, somewhere only I have access to; so that no one else has access to you and you belong to me alone. I hate it when you devote yourself to Jashin, I hate it when you have a mission with anyone eIse, I _hate_ it when you get angry at anyone other than me because anger is a strong emotion, and you should only show such emotions to me. And something even more selfish is that, for that same reason, I _love_ hurting you. I feel like I'm going insane when I see you respond to the pain that I inflict on you, and the smallest of things trigger this feeling: the angry cursing when you yell at me for cutting off your head; that God-awful groan you make when I bite you; the trickle of blood when your ass tears if I fuck you hard enough..."

Kakuzu was gripping Hidan's shoulders now, and his tone of voice was on the verge of hysterical. It was embarrassing as all hell, but there was also not a chance in hell he'd stop now, not when the words he had kept to himself for so long were spilling out so easily.

"...But that's not the worst of it. I often hate myself for this and I wouldn't be surprised if you do as well, although you most likely already do; the worst of it is that when I die, I want to take you with me. Yes, that's right - I want you to give up your immortality and _die_ with me. It's the most selfish thing someone could ever want, I know that, and yet... I don't want you to live in this world unless it's with me. I want us to die together – _kill_ each other, even. Because I know that we belong together; we perfect each other, don't you see?"

Kakuzu swallowed thickly and, after getting no response from his partner, spoke again in a quieter voice. "And... I want you to be with me for all eternity. This is how I truly feel about you Hidan. If you hate me for it, fine. I expect you to hate me. But I'm not letting you go, _ever_. You can try to leave me, you can try to run away, but I _will_ come after you. You're staying with me, forever."

Kakuzu watched Hidan intently when he was finished and, as he expected, Hidan was turned away from him and glaring at the ground. _I suppose it was inevitable that Hidan would hate me._

"...Fuck you, Kakuzu."

He sighed, preparing for the worst. "What do you want, Hidan?"

"You're turning me on so much right now."

Hidan looked up and met Kakuzu's surprised eye, and immediately Kakuzu realised that Hidan was indeed very aroused. The needy and accusing look in Hidan's eyes was unmistakeable. However, this arousal was deeper than sexual; it was more than just blood flowing to the lower regions. It was as if Hidan wanted Kakuzu not just for his body, but for his soul too. Hidan desired Kakuzu's being. Just like Kakuzu desired his.

Wordlessly, Kakuzu reached out and pulled Hidan in close, embracing him tightly. As he felt Hidan clutch his back, he squeezed his eyes shut – nothing was important now, only this intimate contact. He pulled Hidan closer against him, closer, _closer,_ and Hidan did the same, continuing even when both could not breathe. It was truly as though they were trying to kill each other with love, as though they were trying to prove whose feelings ran stronger.

Eventually, it was Hidan who gave out first – yes he was immortal, but the feeling of suffocation wasn't exactly appealing. Kakuzu noticed as Hidan's grip on him loosen considerably, and he could breathe again. However, Kakuzu didn't let go, and Hidan's chest frantically rose and fell, desperate for air. He looked up at Kakuzu pleadingly, and reached up to touch Kakuzu's lips clumsily, as if doing so would give him breath.

"Y-you're kill-ing me- K-kaku-zu." He choked out, and his eyes began rolling toward the back of his head.

"Good."

But Kakuzu released his hold, despite his cold reply. Hidan immediately collapsed on the floor, coughing and gasping with each inhale of air. Then his eyes went wide as Kakuzu pulled his head upwards and kissed him fiercely, forcing his tongue inside. Hidan, who was already breathless, tried beating at Kakuzu's chest with his fists. When that didn't work he tried to push away desperately, even though it was no use. Kakuzu smirked at Hidan's panic, and finally decided to pull away.

"_Bastard!_" Hidan spluttered out as soon as he could breathe again. "You kn-knew I couldn't, fucking breathe! I b-bet you were, getting off on, t-that!"

Kakuzu smirked. "Perhaps I was. Would you like to check?"

And so it began.


	7. Lemon Thyme

A/N: Finished? Oh no, we're just getting to the fun part. Enjoy...

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Seven**

"Uh! Ka-! Ngh, Kakuzu! N-not so rough, Jashin-damnit! Aah!Shit, this feels – _oh_! _Fuck_ that's good..! Kuzu – _ah_ – Kuzu-chan! _K-Kakuzu_-"

"Quiet, Hidan. I can't concentrate."

"Fuck you! I'll make as much noise as I want."

Unfortunately for Hidan, Kakuzu was going to have none of that. He tightened his grip on Hidan's hips, fingers digging sharply into the sweating skin there, and continued to pound relentlessly into him on the bed beneath them. Frankly, it had been far too long since last time, and he felt obliged to make up for it through sheer force and enthusiasm. And there was nothing Hidan could do about it, not even stringing a few dispiriting words together in an attempt to bring Kakuzu's ego down to his level.

* * *

Kakuzu settled down next to a sweaty and panting Hidan, lying on his side to watch his partner gradually recover from his high. He raked his eyes over that heaving chest and those pink cheeks, his face almost serious with concentration. And as he watched that beautiful body he felt a sense of smugness; he would be the last person to touch Hidan; the only person from now on to fuck him._ He_ was the one who was going to be spending eternity with this man – no one else was even going to be able come close to him.

A stray bit of hair had flopped down in front of Hidan's face. Kakuzu reached out and smoothed it back against Hidan's head. As he did so, Hidan opened his eyes a little and looked narrowly at Kakuzu, displaying suspicion from behind his exhausted expression.

"I was just fixing your hair," Kakuzu explained.

Hidan closed his eyes again. "I don't- ha, fucking need- ha, fixing- ha," he huffed out.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes, although supposed he should have gotten used to Hidan's personal way of showing gratitude by now.

"You need to learn manners. I spoil you too much."

Hidan's eyes opened again, only this time they were wide, and gleaming with fervour. "Spoil me? Well isn't that fucking hilarious? You don't do shit for me, admit it! Now that I think about it you're a pretty crappy seme; you don't buy me presents, you don't take me places, you never let me top, you basically just slap me around and fuck me whenever it pleases you, and expect me to deal with it-"

"Hidan."

"-I bet Kisame and Sasori are _way_ better at being seme than y-"

"_Hidan_."

"-you might think you own me, but I'm not some easy slut-"

"HIDAN!"

"What the fuck do you want?"

"_Ride _me_._"

"..._Huh_?" sputtered Hidan. The shock on his face was absolutely priceless.

"You heard me."

"But-but why?"

"Do you really think once is enough for me? We haven't fucked for days; I need my fill. And I'm too tired tonight to top again. Now do it, before I change my mind."

Figuring that Kakuzu had finally snapped and gone completely crazy, and that there probably wouldn't be another chance for this to happen, _ever_, Hidan decided to go for it. "R-right! Okay..."

Looking slightly unsure of himself, Hidan clambered onto Kakuzu, and immediately felt unfamiliar with the new position. He hovered over the hard cock and lined himself up against it. And then he paused, hands clutching Kakuzu's shoulders, eyes staring intensely into the other's.

"What is it now?" asked Kakuzu, unable to read Hidan's expression and getting to feel slightly exasperated – he was so close to getting inside that ass, he could even feel heat radiating from it. The sexual tension was really beginning to get to him.

"I just, uh... I wanted to- well..." Hidan looked away, suddenly feeling awkward.

"Just spit it out already." _Are you not feeling this tension, Hidan? How on Earth can you act so indifferent about the fact that my cock is literally pressing against your anus?_

"Thanks, Kuzu. Um, you know, for letting me do this."

Before Kakuzu could respond at all, Hidan lowered himself down very deliberately until Kakuzu was completely inside him, causing Kakuzu to groan loudly at the amazing tightness. He then started rocking his hips, trying to set a pace, and Kakuzu helped out by moving Hidan's backside with his hands. And truth be told, it was awkward at first – not at all like all the times that Kakuzu had fucked him from above, from his place of control. No, this was new for both of them, and the clumsy awkwardness said "virgins" all over.

But gradually, they got used to it, and it all became very pleasurable. Hidan got used to leading the pace, while Kakuzu – _very_ comfortably – got used to lying back, watching Hidan impale himself with Kakuzu's hard cock. Too comfortably, it would seem.

_Fuck yes, this is so good! I can't believe this is real; I'm actually riding Kuzu-chan... I've been waiting for this moment for years. To think this is really happening is just so fucking weird... Hm, speaking of weird – I could have sworn Kakuzu wasn't this big... He can't have grown this fucking much since last time, can he? I mean, he only just fucked me five minutes ago. That's really strange- AH! No, he definitely wasn't this big before! Hold on, he- he isn't growing inside me, is he? Woa- WOAH! WHAT-! WHAT THE-_

"_FUCK_!" Hidan screamed in pain. He withdrew from Kakuzu immediately and scrambled away from him in shock.

"What the fucking hell Kakuzu? I thought you were fully hard already!"

"S-so did I..." said Kakuzu, panting heavily with his face screwed up with intense pleasure. "I didn't even know it was even possible to be this hard, but damn... I don't know why, but something about you riding me is _such_ a turn on." He reached out and grabbed Hidan by the arm, to pull him back on top, but was pushed away by him, whose expression was almost fearful.

"No way, it's too big, I can't-"

"_Hidan_-"

"I'm fucking serious, I really can't-"

"Hidan listen to me. It's okay. We'll do it nice and slow."

"No, I seriously can't- _wait_ _WHAT_? N-nice and slow- what the fuck, seriously! Have you gone insane?"

"Look Hidan, I'm trying to be nice here. Are you going to take the offer or not?"

"I- ...Alright," said Hidan reluctantly. "But- I'm going to need you to, um... Well, I kind of need your help..."

Kakuzu visibly stiffened and stared at Hidan, knowing exactly what he meant. "You don't mean...?"

Hidan looked away uncomfortably and nodded.

_Oh God, not this..._

Yes, it was the dreaded preparation; the stretching of the ass, and it was something Kakuzu had not done for Hidan since their very first time. '_And why the hell not?'_ Your generic spoilt brat of an uke would ask, hands on hips. Two reasons – first: it was rather unnecessary, as Hidan was as masochistic as one could get; and second: both Kakuzu and Hidan did _not_ like it – it was uncomfortable and, well, embarrassing. Now the first reason was as good as gone down the drain – there was a limit to Hidan's enjoyment of pain, it appeared; and the second reason, well..._ 'The second reason can deal with it, bitch.'_

Kakuzu cleared his throat. "Yes, well I suppose we better get to it, then."

"Y-yeah..." Avoiding any eye contact with the man who was to stretch him, Hidan crawled over and leaned over on his arms, so that his ass was staring Kakuzu in the face. _Thank Jashin he can't see _my_ face; for fuck's sake I'm going red._

But alas, Kakuzu could see his ears, which were even redder than his face. And he would have smirked, if not for his own discomfort at the current situation.

Kakuzu moved his eyes reluctantly to the object of his needed attention. Round, white, smooth... Appearance wise, it was actually quite nice-looking. He reached out and stroked it lightly with his fingertips, and indeed it was as soft as it looked-

"Stop fucking groping me and get on with it," muffled Hidan into the bed, too embarrassed to turn around.

"Right." Kakuzu mumbled, remembering his place. He drew back his hand and cleared his throat again. "You're going to need to push your ass up a bit more, Hidan."

Hidan complied speechlessly, red face pressed in pillow, and now Kakuzu could see _everything_. The skin was no longer soft, white and smooth, but wet, coarse and an angry red... And it was twitching expectantly.

Kakuzu cringed, not at the sight of Hidan's asshole itself but at the rawness and the intimacy that this sight represented. He knew that the act of stretching one's ass was not unusual among other people, and that he and Hidan had done many things that these others would find hugely embarrassing and that they would probably consider more intimate. But... he and Hidan weren't normal – they had never been – and he supposed it was inevitable that they would be abnormal about something as simple as preparation too.

After taking a deep breath, Kakuzu pushed one asscheek to the side and pressed a finger to the hole. It felt warm and wet, and as expected, he felt extremely uncomfortable about it.

"Oh my Jashin I think I'm going to throw up," groaned Hidan.

Kakuzu ignored him and pushed the finger in. Muscles instantly clenched tightly against it in reflex, and Kakuzu grimaced.

"Look Hidan, you're making this a lot more problematic than it needs to be," he said through gritted teeth. "At least _try_ to relax."

"I can't fucking relax – you're sticking your finger up my ass and it's fucking weird," mumbled Hidan. "Besides, you're not exactly relaxed yourself; I can tell how awkward you're f- _fuck_! Don't fucking stick it in so fast!'

"Sorry about that," said Kakuzu, not sounding sorry at all. In fact, he found rather liked the sound of Hidan's reaction – it made him feel in control again – and he decided he needed to hear more. He pulled out his finger almost all the way, added a second, and pushed them both in again, and again, and again.

"Ugh, this is so fucking nasty," moaned Hidan in discomfort. "What the hell was I thinking, asking you to- _Gah!_ No, don't slow down - hurry up, Kakuzu. Just hurry the fuck up and get on with it."

"Are you telling me to go faster?" smirked Kakuzu.

"Look- _no_! Don't fucking make it sound like I'm enjoying this. I just wanted to get this over with and- _hey!_ Woah, hold on, no need to go bloody _exploring_-"

Kakuzu ignored him – again – as he curled his fingers up with each thrust, moving around them to find the spot that would best grant Hidan pleasure. And it wasn't long until he did.

"Oh man... Th-there, that's the spot! Oh fuuuuckk, _fuck yes_..." Hidan cried out, as he pushed his ass back in time with the thrusting of Kakuzu's fingers.

"Changed your mind, did you Hidan?" teased Kakuzu. "Feeling good now? Answer me."

Hidan turned back to face Kakuzu, who noticed somewhat arrogantly that his face was void of all previous embarrassment and was now purely (or impurely, whichever way you look at things) lustful.

"Let me get back on now. Come on, you've prepared me enough," Hidan said, a pleading look on his face.

"Fine with me."

* * *

"Damnit. Damnit, damnit, DAMNIT!"

"What the hell is your problem now?"

"I can't fucking find the spot," scowled Hidan, from his seat on top of Kakuzu.

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Really now? Allow me."

He gripped Hidan firmly by the hips and began grinding Hidan's ass against him. Immediately he found it; the sharp gasp that had just come from Hidan was unmistakable.

Kakuzu smirked, feeling proud that he knew Hidan's body better than Hidan did himself. He continued thrusting up into Hidan, making sure he hit the spot with every single thrust.

"Kakuzu! How the fuck did you – _gah_! – know where it was? _Mmph_! Oh shit, this is so _good_. Shit, so fucking good..."

Soon, Hidan became absolutely delirious with the pleasure of that deliciously sensitive spot. His eyes were glazed over with lust and his slack jaw hung open; he appeared to be lost in a different world.

"Hidan? Are you still there?"

There was no answer, apart from the desperate moaning and gasping. Kakuzu scoffed; to think that Hidan had been asking for this for years and now he was barely conscious for it. He rolled his eyes and continued to do Hidan's work for him, until-

SPLAAAT!

-he unexpectedly received a considerable amount of cum on his chest; one of his major pet peeves.

"Hidan," he growled dangerously, glaring intently at the half-unconscious Jashinist in whom his dick was enveloped. "Wake the fuck up!"

He slapped Hidan harshly on the ass, and Hidan immediately jolted back into reality at the sharp sound, not to mention the stinging pain.

"W-waa..?" babbled Hidan groggily, failing to comprehend the present situation from his hazy state.

Still thrusting his hips up against Hidan, Kakuzu pointed to the watery white mess on his chest in displeasure. "You. Get this off me. Now."

Hidan looked at him blankly, then followed the direction of Kakuzu's finger and stared at his chest. Nothing clicked – he didn't understand what Kakuzu was saying, but something told him to try the taste of the liquid splattered there. So he did.

Hidan slowly moved his head down towards Kakuzu's chest and paused about an inch before it. He then poked out his tongue and licked the skin lightly, as if in curiosity. Kakuzu jerked uncontrollably as soon as he felt that warm, wet feeling on his skin, and as Hidan repeated the action like a cat, he found he had to clutch the sheets behind him to stop himself from tackling Hidan and plunging relentlessly into him.

"Mmm, I like the taste of you, Kuzu-chan..."

"You idiot," said Kakuzu gruffly. "It's your own cum."

Hidan, who was didn't answer as he was still part lost in his world of ecstasy, finished licking off the remaining cum. A hopeless moaning filled the otherwise quiet room as Hidan roamed around the rest of Kakuzu's chest, and his licks turned to hot open-mouth kissing and heavy breathing against the skin. Kakuzu was beginning to have difficulty breathing himself – his breath coming in short, uneven pants. He considered pulling out and shoving Hidan off him in order to regain control – yes, even before ejaculation – but decided against it as that would be a major blow to his ego; he had basically ordered Hidan to do this so he had to stick it out.

By the time Hidan got to Kakuzu's right nipple though, Kakuzu was sweating and desperately trying to keep still, but his body seemed to have other ideas: his hips bucked upwards frantically; his hands held a tight grip on Hidan's round ass, and occasionally gave it an encouraging spank or two; and his tentacles (_when did they get out?_) were fondling Hidan's balls like they had a mind of their own.

"What the fuck are you doing?" asked Kakuzu of Hidan, who was basically making out with the nipple – which was, notably, very stiff.

Again, Hidan gave no answer – he just carried on making that awful moaning sound, kissing with his eyes closed and lips opening and closing on the bud, as if...

_No way_, thought Kakuzu in bewilderment. _Does he think it's my mouth...?_

"Why aren't you kissing back Kuzu?" asked Hidan in pre-occupied and distant frustration. "Don't ignore me, damnit..."

Kakuzu looked down and saw that Hidan was staring at Kakuzu's now red nipple, but his eyes were still glazed over and unfocussed as before.

_Oh God, he really is delusional. How... arousing._

And with that thought, Kakuzu lost all self-control and came violently up into Hidan, who let out an unintelligible "_Gahhh_!" at the sudden invasion of semen, threw his head back and came on Kakuzu's chest all over again.


	8. Morningafter cuddling

**Chapter 8**

"Hidan. Are you still there?" Kakuzu turned on his side to watch his partner, who was still panting hard with his eyes closed, despite having just ejaculated. His face was tinged pink and his expression was pained and erotic.

"Kakuzu... fuck me- I want you to fuck me again. Oh fuck, I need it- I need your cock fucking me. Fuck me Kakuzu, fuck me, fuck me, f-"

Kakuzu cut off Hidan's mindless rambling with a sharp slap across the face. Hidan immediately quietened, but did not snap out of his state of incoherence.

"How can I fuck you when you're in this state?"

Hidan panicked. "P-please, I _need_ you. I don't care. Doggy – from behind. I don't care. Just fuck me, get inside me, oh _please_-"

"Ah! Deeper! _Ah!_ Harder! _HARDER!_ K-KAKUZU! _AAAHHH!_"

And then there was silence.

* * *

_Thank goodness it's finally over,_ thought Kisame in relief. _I _cannot_ believe they did it nine times in a single night... That must be a new record for them._

He looked down at Itachi, who was fast asleep on top of him. Despite the huge number of condoms they had accidently bought between them, the Uchiha had only just managed to go twice tonight. It was a bit less than what Kisame would have hoped for on this special day, but it had been a big effort for him and Kisame was extremely grateful that he had tried so hard. Kisame smiled at the memory and fondly stroked Itachi's hair. The smile was short lived, however, as Zombie Duo started up once again.

* * *

"Fuck you're hot, Hidan, you're so fucking sexy, _nghh_, even when you've passed out, dear _god_-"

Sasori shuddered again, repulsed by the persistent growling coming from the room next door. Sure it wasn't as loud as Hidan's screaming from before he assumedly passed out, which was about five minutes ago, but it didn't make the experience any less disturbing; the idea that one could have such a massive libido that he'd screw an unconscious person was just... beyond horrifying.

Sasori covered his head with his pillow in an attempt to reduce the noise level and rolled over to spoon up against his sleeping partner, all the while praying to any god who would listen (if it was Jashin, so be it) that Kakuzu and Hidan would soon get tired and call it a night (although it was quite technically the morning by now), and that if anything Deidara would _not_ wake up now, from this, because he would most likely be mentally scarred _again_.

* * *

Kakuzu groaned in irritation as the bright morning light burned through his eyelids. How he hated morning light. He hated getting up from bed. In fact, he hated mornings in general. What was that saying? "Everyday is a new beginning"? Bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. Everyday was the fucking same.

But why did Kakuzu hate mornings so? It was because mornings signalled that the night before was over. Because mornings meant waking up alone. Because mornings were the one time of the day when it was certain that Hidan would not be beside him, and he hated it.

"For fuck's sake Hidan you make me dread every single morning..." Kakuzu muttered to himself, before opening his eyes and glaring up at the ceiling.

"And good morning to you too, _sunshine_," said a very sarcastic voice.

Kakuzu's eyes flew open immediately. He quickly sat up and turned to stare at the one who had just spoken. Hidan gave a bitchy glare in return. It was understandable though – he had been curled up quite comfortably against Kakuzu in a bed he had not properly slept in for a very long time, until he was quite suddenly woken up by Kakuzu's clear indication that he was not wanted there. Plus his ass was aching like never before. It was _not_ a good start to his day.

"Well, are you gonna stop gaping and explain yourself or what, you fucking bastard?" he spat.

"H-Hidan, w-why are you..." struggled Kakuzu before his expression changed to one of complete bewilderment. "You stayed_._ You- You actually slept in this bed, overnight."

"What the fuck is your problem? Can't I fucking sleep in my own bed? The only reason I haven't been is because you were too stubborn to let me top, you selfish son of a- _MMPH_!"

He was cut off as Kakuzu tackled him and silenced him with a nearly aggressive kiss – it would have aggressive if this wasn't Kakuzu and Hidan, anyway. Kakuzu smirked against Hidan's mouth as the Jashinist struggled beneath him, and he forced his tongue inside his mouth.

Hidan was frozen in shock, until he was bitten sharply of the bottom lip. The sharp pain followed by the taste of blood fuelled him to kiss back with the same vicious intensity. After a bit of biting and scratching and groping, however, their passionate making-out slowed into something more relaxing and gentle, something... loving.

Kakuzu broke away first, moving up off a slightly dishevelled Hidan. He chuckled at Hidan's dazed expression.

"So, what was that you were saying, Hidan?" he asked, looking down at Hidan, and then proceeding to "playfully" bite Hidan's shoulder.

Hidan went red and turned his head to the side, mortified that he had let himself be distracted so easily by a kiss.

"I was complaining because you don't want me here..." he mumbled.

Kakuzu let out a sigh and rolled over onto his side. He pulled Hidan towards him, inviting him to do the same, and he stared into the other's eyes for a moment before speaking.

"Hidan," said Kakuzu in all seriousness. "I want you here. Knowing you stayed with me last night... I can't even describe how good that makes me feel."

"Really?" asked Hidan, his expression turning hopeful.

"Yes Hidan, and I'd do anything to make you stay every night. _Anything_. I mean it."

"...Anything? Seriously?"

"Yes."

"Hmm..." Hidan thought for a moment, racking his brain for something worth Kakuzu's offer. And suddenly he smiled, eyes gleaming. "What about a change in sex positions, something like that?"

Kakuzu chuckled. _Of course this would be the first thing that Hidan would think of..._ "You can ride me every fucking day, Hidan. I have absolutely no problem with that anymore."

"Actually I was thinking more along the lines of, you and me switching positions. Know what I mean?"

Kakuzu froze in potential rage. _He wouldn't dare..._

"Care to elaborate..?" he asked dangerously.

"What I'm trying to say is, can I be the one to fuck you up the-"

"_No_."

Hidan crawled over onto Kakuzu, onto his lover, and grinned. "Oh come on,_ Kuzu-chan_. Just once? It wasn't so bad when you finally let me top, right? What makes you think you wouldn't like- _GAHHH! MY NECK!_"

* * *

And that's the end of the story. However, there will be a bonus chapter uploaded soon, so stay tuned.

Thanks again to all the reviewers!

Adieu.


	9. Extra: Whipped

**9. Whipped (Bonus)**

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit-"

"Shut. _Up_." Interrupted Itachi, pinching his nose looking like he had a headache.

"I agree; you need to calm down. What's going on?" Kisame asked Hidan, who was running around like a lunatic.

The three ninjas, along with Sasori who was doing his best to ignore them, had been sitting at the kitchen bench eating breakfast, when Hidan had suddenly got up off his seat as if he had had an epiphany.

"Kakuzu's fucking birthday is what's going on! Tomorrow! I can't believe I fucking forgot!" Hidan was seriously panicking.

"What's the big deal? Didn't buy a present?" Itachi droned, looking slightly bored as per usual.

"Well I've bought everything I need; I just haven't practiced my routine!"

Itachi frowned. "Routine? I'm afraid I don't quite understand..."

"Ah, Itachi-san?" said Kisame nervously, "I don't think it's a good idea to ask him what he mea-"

"That routine," started Hidan importantly, "would be my Super Special Raunchy Lap Dance-"

"_So_ooo!" Kisame butted in, reaching over to cover Itachi's ears, while Sasori appeared to turn a sickly green and clasped a hand around his mouth to keep from puking up his breakfast. "Um... how old is he turning?" he asked quickly, to change the subject.

"He is... uh... Hmm, I wouldn't have a fucking clue."

"Hn, he's probably somewhere in his second century by now," sniggered Itachi, causing Kisame to accidently let out a loud snort of laughter. Sasori had a newspaper held up in front of his face but was given away by his shaking shoulders.

"HEY, SHUT THE FUCK UP, HE IS NOT! HE'S ONLY IN HIS NINETIES, I SWEAR-"

"Like that's any better," chuckled Sasori, pulling down the newspaper slightly. "Just admit it; you're a victim of paedophilia."

"STOP MAKING SHIT UP, IT AIN'T FUNNY!" Hidan roared, getting quite flustered at the accusations. "BESIDES, IF KAKUZU'S A PEDO, THEN SO ARE YOU!"

Sasori opened his mouth to retaliate, but then he thought about it for a moment. "You actually make a good point..."

_HAH, take that you fuckers!_ Thought Hidan with triumph.

"However, paedophilia is defined as the attraction to children. Seeing as neither you nor Deidara are technically children, I guess neither relationship is paedophilic. On the other hand, I believe a certain ninja here has not yet turned 18..."

Sasori and Hidan both turned to look at Itachi and Kisame, grinning somewhat malicious grins. Kisame gulped nervously.

"Congratulations!" Hidan said with sarcasm, slapping a guilty-looking Kisame around the back. Apparently he had completely forgotten that he had, just moments ago, lost his temper at the same treatment. "You, _sir_, are Akatsuki's one and only paedophile!"

Sasori's shoulders started up again, trying to stifle his laughter. Though secretly he was just glad it wasn't him being given the embarrassing title.

"C-come on guys, you don't actually mean it right? I mean- I'm not really a paedophile... am I?" Kisame asked desperately, his eyes darting from one laughing ninja to the other.

"Um, hello?" wheezed Hidan in between his laughing. He pointed at Itachi. "He's 17..." And then at Kisame. "You're _29, _big fella."

"But... But..." Kisame turned to Sasori pleadingly.

Sasori shrugged with the air of helplessness. "Sorry, but it's true."

"W-well, it's the consent of the, um, child that really matters," made up Kisame. (Sorry Kisame, consent doesn't really have anything to do with it.) "And I have that, right, Itachi-san?"

"Hn." Itachi walked off.

_Oh thank God..._ Kisame sighed in relief, wiping sweat from his brow as he watched the youngest Akatsuki member leave the room.

Unfortunately, Hidan hadn't had enough entertainment yet.

"'_Hn'_? Hmm, I'm not sure about you, Sasori, but that didn't really sound like a yes to me."

Kisame looked up in confusion. "No wait, y-you don't understand, that's Itachi-san's way off saying yes -"

Sasori smirked. "Definitely not a yes, Hidan, definitely not."

Kisame started to panic again, the distressed expression on his face priceless for the two other ninja. "I-it's true, I'll get him to tell you, please you have to believe me, I'M NOT A PAEDOPHILE!"

Hidan and Sasori literally rolled on the floor laughing, clutching their sides, as Kisame recklessly fled the room in a desperate attempt to regain his battered pride.

"Wait! ITACHI-SAN!"


End file.
